'Fulldozing'

This was my submission for the course mentioned in the previous post.

 3 Ways to get away with Fulldozing !

 (From the author of ‘The Great IIFTian Dream’ and ‘Count your Sheep in every Batch’)

 Every class of students has its fair share of fulldozers. Fulldozers are those students who manage to doze off in class under the full glare of the teacher. In this article, I would like to elaborate on the various types of fulldozers that I have observed over a month and a half in IIFT. The aim, of course, is to observe and learn. The art of sleeping is not a very esoteric art – with a little guidance and a lot of self-motivation, it is but a blink of an eyelid away. So, without further ado, here goes.

 The Frontline Psuedo-readers

These people have been unfortunate enough to get a seat in the front rows where there’s apparently no escape. Apparently. First invented by Pannie and later successfully copied by many others, this style makes extensive use of a rigid contortion of your forearm. You tilt your neck inwards as if you were reading your textbook, and you rest your head on the palm. Once your head is comfortably ensconced in the soft comfort of your palm, and you are sure that it will not slip, you can rest those droopy eyelids and let yourself be seduced by one of nature’s greatest pleasures.  Be warned though, this is not for the light-handed, coz once slip and you will end up headbanging to a totally different tune.

 The Spectaculars

These people are the ones blessed with glasses. The teacher’s penetrating glare is rendered ineffective due to one of nature’s most common phenomenons – reflection. Whether the student chooses to keep his eyes open or shut is his decision. Behind the safe shield of the glasses, even the most diligent of students are transported into a world of their own. There is only one catch – your body language, posture and facial muscles should radiate rapt attentiveness. IIFTians’s are quick learners, they think on their feet and also off their feet. My observations indicated that within a week’s time, this art had been mastered to dizzying depths of somnolence.

 The Improbables

These people have no special talents. They are jacks of no trade and masters of none. However, by virtue of having cornered a corner seat, they have the odds in their favour. A quick statistical analysis of the angles of rotation of the teacher’s neck enlightens one to the fact that the teacher seldom looks constantly at the extreme sides of the class. The mean, median and mode are all 0 degrees. The students also take into consideration another useful piece of info – their degree of sleepiness also varies between the states ‘awake’ and ‘asleep’. Hence, the weighted probability of the teacher catching these students asleep is really low. Thus, these students take their chance and doze off in a trance.

 With this, I conclude my short discourse. Many thanks to my classmates for their continuing support and relentless perseverance. Without their courage and innovativeness, this research article would not have been possible.

Guest : Gaurav Gujral

We had to submit an article as part of course work for Business Communication in our first trimester. This was what Gaurav came up with. I think it is a masterpiece.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ROOM NO. 46

 The alarm goes off at 7.30 am. The gentle giant is supposed to wake up first and take a 30- minute- shower. But guess whose early morning dreams are shattered by the alarm? Mine! I shout out – “Turn off the alarm, o gentle giant!!” and go back to sleep.

Cut to 6 hours later… 1.30 pm…

Students file out of the class. I hear a voice calling out my name- “Gaurav.. Gaurav… I don’t think we’ll like the food in the mess. Let’s go out and eat.” Seconding his opinion is my 2^nd roommate who, for obvious reasons, will be referred to as the ‘mimic’ in this piece of writing. I, the non-controversial person that I am, agree. After a wholesome and fulfilling lunch of 10 scrambled eggs (only for the giant), dal, paneer and paranthas, we rush off to class at 2.15 pm.

Cut to 5 hrs later… 7.15 pm…

The inhabitants of room no. 46 are trying to study in peace and serenity. Suddenly, the mimic recalls an incident, gets up from his bed and mimics the hell out of each and every person he has met during the day. Hilarious!! After a brief roll on the floor and with a hurting stomach, we get up to get back to studying. The calm lasts for only 2 minutes, broken this time by the sheer ‘lack of noise’ of Mozart’s symphonies, courtesy the giant. “God, what has the world come to?” I ask in terror. Rock fans reading this will sympathize with me. To go from the deafening drum beats of Megadeth to the sinfully noiseless violins of Mozart is an experience I pray none of my rock-loving friends ever go through.

Soon its dinner time and I hear a familiar suggestion - “Gaurav.. Gaurav… I don’t think we’ll like the food in the mess. Let’s go out and eat.” After a wholesome and fulfilling dinner of 10 scrambled eggs (only for the giant), dal, paneer and paranthas (the queer similarity of the last few lines to the lines in 2^nd paragraph is purely deliberate, just to emphasize the frequency with which this incident occurs), we head off to have ice-cream. Everything is fine until the giant asks for a Walls Kulfi from the Cream-Bell vendor. Another round of rolling in the ‘hay’ follows (for the uninitiated, ‘hay’ is the single most frequently uttered word by the giant and can be substituted for any word in the English language, eg. I don’t like the ‘hay’ we get in the mess. We should go to a really expensive place and have ‘hay’ there).

Back in room no. 46, the satisfied giant sets an alarm for 10 minutes and dozes off. His uncanny ability to go into deep slumber as soon as he closes his eyes manifests itself soon enough. The alarm is ringing at full volume, the mimic and I are shouting at the top of our voices but alas, no response from the giant. After a minute of shouting, he finally turns in his bed, sets another alarm for 10 minutes and dozes off. No points for guessing the situation after another 10 minutes – we need to bring in inhabitants of other rooms as well.

Cut to 4 hours later.. 2 am..

I am planning to go off to sleep when I see the giant getting up. Yes, his 10 minutes had extended to 4 hours. Thankfully, we didn’t have to wake him up this time. I hope to catch up on my sleep now, wishing to wake up to the sound of my alarm rather than the one which sounds at 7.30 am. Another day in the life of room no. 46 beckons.

Gaurav Gujral

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No points for guessing who the gentle giant is.